May 2012
118 posts
Day 81:
I know exactly what I want.
But I can’t say it. That sucks on every level possible.
I just want to blurt it out, but I can’t.
It’s not my place, it’s not my call.
wait and hope is my only console.
But waiting is killing me.
Every day feels like eternity.
Worried, terrified.
What is the end of my wait?
Is it going to be in my favor? I can’t be sure !
So,...
Day 80:
فإن كنت لا تدرى فتلك مصيبة „, وإن كنت تدرى فالمصيبة أعظم.
Day 79:
Burns inside my heart.
Heavy weight on my chest.
It gets harder to breath.
Cant seem to inhale and exhale properly & when i try harder; tears starts rolling down my eyes.
I try to stop them but they keep on falling even more.
With each & every tear i force myself to stop thinking but it just gets worse.
Pillow is soaked.
Only if those tears could put out my heart burns.
Day 78:
Why so weak? Why so accepting? Why let all pass? Why is this me?
Is it out of not caring? Or too much caring?
I can’t seem to understand myself.
One minute I am strongly against, the other strongly against the first!
Why is it confusing? Isn’t my mind supposed to be one!
Why is thinking as two then?
Is it because I’m deeply in?
Is it because I’m terrified?
I...
Day 77:
Things have changed before, but I desperately tried to ignore it! Tried to undo the change, tried to forget bout it. It worked things went back to normal even better, this was a temporary situation though, didn’t last long till it changed again but this time with real deal breakers.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t want to be around, it’ll keep appearing and...
Day 76:
I miss it beyond words. I miss it & it’s going to be awhile before its back. I miss it to the extent of hating it. I miss it that everything looks dull. I miss it that nothing is interesting anymore. I miss it that I want to accelerate time. I miss it that I can’t think of anything else. I miss it that I don’t want to do anything but wait for it. I miss it & miss myself...
Day 75:
This feeling of sadness emptiness, where did it come from or why did it come? When did it come why isn’t it leaving?
I wake up sad, I go back to bed sad, even in between nothing seem to cheer me up.
I don’t think its depression but rather lack of excitement.
I sometimes care about the smallest details, and sometimes it feels like I’m emotionless.
I myself can’t predict...
Day 74:
I used to like talking to strangers, new people, friends of friends anybody. I used to crave attention. I loved long conversations, long phone calls, stupid silly texts. If a an hour went off with no communication with those people I’ll go chasing it. I’d give up sleep, work, studying. Once some1 outside this circle comments about it in a negative way I go upset and rather loose that...
Day 73:
What is it that please me? Everything I seem to do have a different feeling every time. I never feel the same towards one thing, it depends on my situation at that time. One time it could be my moment of glory, and other moment of sadness. It is not about timing, its about circumstances. It is all in my head, not facts only mind mechanism. Nothing will mater if I set my mind. Everything will make...
Day 72;
Going around in Beirut, everywhere holds a special memory.
The roads, restaurants, shops, waiters, even the gas stations have a memory.
Good and bad memories, childhood and wild memories.
Most important events happened here.
It feels like I have lived my whole life in Beirut.
Innocent kid, isolated teenager, crazy adult, happily mature, depressed.
Every phase of my life started here.
I am...
Day 71:
Typing and deleting.
Several attempts to write down what goes through my head, but words disappear when I start.
But I have a lot to say !
That’s my case in life; ideas start n end in my head.
Maybe the amount of ideas is what makes it hard to achieve?
Each idea disturbs the other.
It makes it confusing and easier to quit.
I wish I could park an idea aside till I’m done...
Day 70:
” إن لم تكن ذئبا أكلتك الذئاب. “
Should I be strong to not be crossed?
But I was raised that kindness and politeness is what grants u respect among others.
But again, I see tough strong people are the most respected and appreciated in our world !
No one can ever take what is theirs.
And the only crossed, mistreated people are us weak I mean polite people.
It have crossed my...
Day 69:
“Wipe all”.
It didn’t take me a second to think before deleting all phone data.
Pictures, notes, numbers, msgs and lots of memories. All went with a press of a button.
It wasn’t the only way to fix my phone but it seemed the easiest and the fastest way to do so.
Didn’t need to hold on to the memories.
I can always create new memories, but I can’t bring a...
Day 69:
“Wipe all”.
It didn’t take me a second to think before deleting all phone data.
Pictures, notes, numbers, msgs and lots of memories. All went with a press of a button.
It wasn’t the only way to fix my phone but it seemed the easiest and the fastest way to do so.
Didn’t need to hold on to the memories.
I can always create new memories, but I can’t bring a...
